roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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