I wish you could order shots online.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
