what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize