Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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