Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize
