he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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