The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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