i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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