The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
