I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
