So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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