Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
