We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
