He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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