I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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