Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
