My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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