OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I cut my penus on the lid.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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