At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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