Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
