Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
