You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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