Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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