i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
