How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
