You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
