Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
