its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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