dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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