if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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