she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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