I got chris browned last night
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
