dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
