I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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