Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
