Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You made out with two different species that night
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
