What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm having to shit out rocks
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
