I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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