Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize