I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
