so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
