thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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