i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
