My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
