apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
