Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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