I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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