I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Im part way to drunk.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
