Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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