i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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