I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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