took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
