Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
