Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
