I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
