i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
