you didnt know i had herpes?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
