just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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