Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
