so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
