cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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