PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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