the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
