What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
